Phrase 1: "Heads will roll."

Did you see the state of the company's finances? Heads will roll. Did you see the sport team's recent poor performance? Heads will roll. Did you hear that young pop starlet utter an expletive on morning television? Heads will roll.

We often make assumptions on the history of a phrase's usage based on the context we hear it in. The truth is many commonplace phrases have evolved from the most surprising of origins. When we hear 'heads will roll', we often assume it to be a reference to beheading. Capital punishment for failure has been a punishment meted out with callous impunity throughout the history of human civilization. We therefore assume when we say 'heads will roll' we are harking back to a simpler time, where payroll imperfections would've resulted in Steve from HR capitulating to the guillotine come Monday morning. The truth is far less morbid.

In the 19th century, 'medicine men' were a phenomenon common to much of the nubile United States of America. These travelling salesmen/conmen went from town-to-town, promising to cure the townsfolk of any ailments with potions concocted, or so would they claim, from the pureed bladders of wild animals, most commonly bears or mountain lions. These potions were, in reality, gleaned from the bladders of lesser beasts, such as the skylark or the house-cat. As time wore on, the people grew suspicious of the medicine man's empty promises. The medicine men, in turn, incorporated endless new techniques in their pursuit to rob the townsfolk of their riches. One medicine man gave birth to a device known in modern advertising parlance as 'the tagline'.

This first tagline?

Heads will roll.

Heads was a slang term used throughout the American mid-west of the nineteenth century that referred to the condition we today call influenza. Throughout the winter of 1858, a particularly virulent strain of influenza spread amongst the populace of many townsfolk. This strain of influenza originated in alligators, common to the American wetlands. Once alligator flu had made the leap from reptilian to hominid, it spread across the land like butter on bread in a sandwich constructed from misery.

Bobby 'The Brain' Jessop had been at the medicine men schtick for years when this opportune outbreak arrived and was well positioned to benefit from it. Many townsfolk had come to regard the most likely cause of the virulent virulence to be exposure to bear bladder and therefore regarded the medicine men as evil witch doctor sadists. The population of entire towns would empty when the medicine man came to town, residents leaving their homes and possessions and forging new lives elsewhere rather than risk contact with the medicine man and his wares.

Bobby 'The Brain' saw a way around all this. He dressed as a townsfolk, moved into a town, stayed there for several months, then pretended to contract influenza and die from the disease. He would then watch from afar as the townsfolk held a funeral service for a bear Bobby 'The Brain' had killed and shaved of its fur. Bobby would then move onto another town and repeat the crazed ritual, having up to twelve towns at a time convinced of his humble townsfolk status and tragic death. He'd then return to each of the towns in turn on the anniversary of his death. He'd dig up his coffin, drag the rotting furless bear carcass into the woods, then leave the townsfolk to wonder what the dickens was going on in their graveyard. Bobby 'The Brain' would return to town later that day proclaiming himself an immortal capable of bargaining with the Gods for the townsfolk's good health. The townsfolk duly poured their every liquid asset down 'The Brain''s gullet.

'The Brain' would then write 'heads will roll' on walls all over town, using the viscous dung produced by the townsfolk's cattle. This reassured the townsfolk of Bobby's good intentions. 'Heads will roll' became a much-loved mantra of social affirmation in the society of mid-19th century America, much as 'simples' is in 21st century Britain.

'Why the modern malice?' the more athletically alliterative amongst you may be wondering. The answer is obvious, when you have researched the question properly. Jessop eventually died of an infection caused by a practice known as 'weaseltestine'. The townsfolk regarded the proposed immortal's inglorious death as proof that they lived in a random, chaotic, ultimately unpleasant world. 'Heads will roll' is an utterance that signifies a general resignation to the brutal reality of impermanence.