Sunday 26 September 2010

Word 3: Letter

The art of letter writing formed the basis of modern literature. Much of The Bible's New Testament consists of letters and many of Greek philosophy's great works were edited collection of letters philosophers had written to others explaining their theories. The word 'letter' itself didn't enter the English speaking world's lexicon until far later.

The 'letters' in The Bible were never actually called 'letters' until King James I order the production of the English language King James Bible. The phrase related to a very specific type of letter writing common to the early 17th century England in which The King James Bible was created.

Letter. Slow down and listen to it. Sounds a bit like a Cockney saying 'let her' doesn't it? That's because that's exactly what it is.

The punishment for a woman committing adultery leading up to the 17th century in England was to spend a weekend night in the stocks. This inevitably brought the offender hours of sodomy from the drunken locals. Husbands wishing to follow in the footsteps of the 16th century's King Henry 8th and leave their wives without subjecting them to mob buggery would have to write to the local magistrate explaining that they gave their permission for other men to enjoy the fruits of their wife's genitals.

In London, one of these carnal permission slips quickly became known as a 'let her', which eventually contracted into the single word 'letter'.

Samuel Pepys' diary of the Great Fire of London contains a lengthy passage detailing a friend of Pepys and his production of one of these progenerative legal prophylactics. Pepys' friend discovered on the same dreadful Tuesday that he was afflicted with bubonic plague and that was wife was allowing a playboy beefeater access to all of her areas. The chap decided that before he shook off this mortal coil he would allow for the sparing of his wife's tender sphincter, which, not uncommonly for a 16th century English gentleman, he had never himself defiled.

Next time you lick the tip of an envelope, just remember that you've just licked the seal of a non-consensual anal entry avoidance permit.

Friday 10 September 2010

Word 2: Buddy

'Buddy' is one of those words that have entered the common lexicon of the English speaking 98% of the planet without forewarning or explanation. Where did it come from?

I'm about to tell you.

Bud, as in flower bud, rather than a Wolverine aside, was used by the Norse as early as 3AD, while Jewish conmen were still cobbling together the New Testament. 'Bud' meant harmless. It was one of the few things harmless to the Norse in 3AD, when death lurked about every adventure as it does now for a bumblebee. 'Bud' slowly became a term of endearment amongst these early modern time measurement detail Norse. Why the 'y'?

The 'y' chromosome is exclusive to females. The Norse have loved raping the shit out of females since time immemorial. Long before the Vikings defined themselves with phallic tusks protruding from their headwear, the chromosomal pattern modern genetic experts have hung their tuskless hats upon came into being thanks to an 'x' per kill system. The Norse knew of the existence of Roman numerals, in which 'X' demarcated a ten. They found this system an affront to their basic belief in fucking anything with a phallus-containable orifice. They began referring to anything that would let a phallus up inside them as an 'XY', as in 'fuck the Romans'. This sounds strange to you, no? Answer in the comments section if you have nothing better to do, which you probably don't.

The question 'why' was a part of Norse culture since before Thor was a twitch in the synapses of an entity that was yet to become a glimmer of sperm in the prepubescent ballsack of their ancestor's great-great ancestor. 'Why' was asked of anyone not manning up. If a doe, a deer, a female deer, had been felled, and all the meat stripped from her bones, the Norse would say of anyone not unsheathing a phallus to be first in line to defile the bloodied corpses entry wound, 'why? 'Why' came to mean faggishness - the behaviour of a woman carried out by a phallus bearer.

Thus 'y' was married to 'bud', and modern genetics found their lexicon.